An Irishman gets stranded on a desert island. He‘s stuck there, in the hot sun, for months and months. One day a lamp washes up on shore, the Irishman picks it up and rubs it and (of course) a Genie pops out.
The Genie says, Because of your gift of freedom to me I will grant toyou three wishes.
The Irishman thinks for a second and mostly what he‘s thinkin‘ is how hot and thirsty he is. I wish for a pint of Guinness!
And you shall have it!
A pint of Guinness appears in his hand. The Irishman drinks it down in
Wow, that was about the greatest beer I‘ve ever had he says and as he says it, the pint refills itself.
Faith and begora, how‘d that happen?
This is a magic pint says the Genie, As long as you have it will never be empty.
The Irishman blinks in disbelief as he drinks the pint empty 6 times and it refills itself with a perfect beer each time.
This is unbelievable, this is about the best thing a guy could ever ask for.
You have forgotten your other two wishes, said the Genie
Well, I‘ll take two more of these
A lady goes into the local sporting goods store to buy a fishing rod to give to her husband for his birthday.
A salesman wearing dark glasses with a dog is behind the counter and asks, Can I help you ma‘am ?
Well, I‘d like to buy a fishing rod, can you tell me about this one? she answers.
The salesman replies, I‘m sorry ma‘am but I am blind and can not see the rod your referring too. However, if you‘ll drop it on the counter I‘ll tell you all about it as I can tell from the sound it makes.
The lady picks up the rod, and does what he says and drops it on the counter.
He belts: That‘s a Zebco 2500, fiberglass, 6.5‘, medium action -?15.
Lady - Wow! She finds another and does the same.
Thats an Orion 35C, graphite, 6‘, light action - best used with ultralight tackle - ?20.
Very impressed the lady decides to buy the second one.
As the man is ringing up the sale the lady rips a big fart but feels no need to apologize as the salesman is blind and has no idea who she is.
Salesman says, That‘ll be ?25.
TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS !? YOU SAID ?20.?
That‘s right ma‘am, ?20 for the rod, ?3 for the duck call and ?2 for the egg salad sandwich.
A guy walks into a bar and asks for a shot of 20 year old scotch.
The bartender thinks that this guy couldnt tell the difference, so he gives him a shot of bar scotch.
The man spits it out an says, Bartender, this is bar scotch, I asked for 20 year old scotch.
So the bartender is not quite impressed and gives the man a shot of 5 year old scotch.
The man drinks the shot and says, Bartender, I asked for 20 year old scotch, this is 5 year old scotch.
The bartender pours the guy a shot of 10 year old scotch and hands it to him.
The guy drinks it and said, Bartender, this is 10 year old scotch, can I get my 20 year old scotch, or do I have to leave.
Now the bartender is impressed and gives him the 20 year old scotch.
There was another man at the end of the bar who was extremely impressed by the scotch drinker and approached him with a glass of his own.
Here drink this, he said.
The scotch drinker spit it out and said, This is horrible, it tastes like piss, and the other man said, I know, how old am I?
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons‘ behavior.
The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman.
The husband said, We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!
The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8-year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, Where is God?
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, Where is God?
Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy‘s face, WHERE IS GOD?
At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, What happened?
The younger brother replied, We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!
A ventriloquist is working down South and, during his show, a hick stands up and yells, HEY YOU! ON STAGE!
You been making smart-ass remarks about us southerners being stupid all night long!
We‘re not all stupid ya know!
Relax, said the ventriloquist, They‘re just jokes!
I‘m not talking to you, sir! The hick replied. I‘m talking to that little bastard sitting on your knee!
What do you do for a living?
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they came upon this harem with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.
I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will each die and in a way corresponding to your profession.
The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.
I‘m a cop, says the first man. „Alright, shoot his penis off!, said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.
I‘m a firemen, said the second man. Alright, burn his penis off!,
The Sheik turned to the third guy and asked him what he does for a living and he says I am a LOLIPOP salesman!
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
How can there be self-help „groups“?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can‘t find himself?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn‘t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice“?
Just „before“ someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder Why you‘re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where do forest rangers go to „get away from it all“?
Why Isn‘t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren‘t afraid to have a Chapter 11?